A Parking Suns reader recently left this comment at the bottom of a post I wrote a few years ago, titled “Gay with Parkinson’s. What are the issues?”
Hello. I am 64 years old and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease 14 months ago. I am divorced, live alone and have not had gay sex before but have a strong desire to have sex with a man. Does Parkinson’s present a barrier to realizing this desire? I would value your opinion and advice. I would hate to die wondering.
- P. Carpararo
Here’s my response:
Hello P. Capararo,
Thank you for writing and asking this question. I hope it’s ok that I respond via a blog post. I’ll start out by reviewing my own circumstances, then branch out to the general.
I’m a year older than you and was diagnosed with PD in 2012, and I still enjoy having gay sex. That’s my experience, but it may not be true for other gay guys in our situation, and I can’t comment at all for gay women, transgendered folks, or straight people. Maybe some readers will post about their own experiences in the comments box below.
In my case, two factors may be working in my favor. First, my symptoms are relatively mild and don’t impede in any way when I hit the hay with another guy. I don’t have painful dystonia, for example, and I can roll over easily in bed (a funny symptom in light of your question, but it’s a serious problem for some Parkies). Second, I work out a lot in the gym and swimming pool, and I still compete athletically. I’m physically fit and often feel sexual desire after a workout or a competition.
The people I have sex with all know I have PD, and it’s not an issue for them that, say, my right arm may tremble slightly while we’re lounging in bed. If I’m about to have sex with someone new, I mention it almost right away, before, say, we get undressed or even earlier. It’s never presented a problem.
So for me, the answer to your question (“Does Parkinson’s present a barrier to realizing this desire?’) is “No.”
However, there are two “buts” (that’s “but” spelled with one “t”, not two).
But #1: You should check out this page on the Michael J. Fox Foundation website: “Sexual and Reproductive Health with Parkinson’s.” It mentions all the problems that might arise if you have PD and still want to be sexually active (these problems include erectile dysfunction, depression, decreased libido, to name a few). And the page offers solutions for many of these problems.
But #2: You still need to be careful about always having safer sex, as the last thing you want at this moment is to add “HIV positive” to your medical chart. I’m HIV negative and assume you are, too (but I could be wrong). Men who have sex with men remain at higher risk for contracting HIV than other people. My old-school, hyper-cautious “rule of thumb” is to not have anal sex, even with a condom, unless I know for sure that the other person is HIV negative. I lived in New York City in the 1980s, and too many of my friends reported that the condom they were using either broke or slipped off.
However, other gay guys think differently and get by fine with condoms. I suggest you call your local gay or AIDS hotline and ask some questions about the latest research, then decide what you will and won’t do.
Here are some national resources that also might help you get started:
- SAGE (Senior Action in a Gay Environment) promotes better living for LBGTQ senior citizens.
- Project Inform has a listing of AIDS hotlines for every state in the USA, as well as resources outside the USA and Canada.
- The LBGT National Hotline has a special toll-free line for senior citizens to call and ask questions. It also provides telephone, online chat, and email peer-support. They speak with callers of all ages about bullying, workplace issues, HIV/AIDS anxiety, coming out, relationships, safer sex, and more. They also have a massive resource database for social and support groups, gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups, and more.
- Toll-Free National Hotline
1-888-843-4564
Monday – Friday 4 p.m. to 12 a.m. ET
Saturday 12 p.m. to 5 p.m. ET
- Toll-Free National Hotline
Thanks for writing your comment, which prompted this response. Perhaps others who read Parking Suns will find it helpful as well.
- Bruce
Update – January 9, 2019
I received the following message from P. Capararo, after he read my blog response to his initial question:
Hello Bruce. Thanks for the response. I have a stronger confidence in this new chapter of my life. I don’t think I can identify any reasons, medical or otherwise, not to experience gay sex. Your response was very reassuring. Hope to touch base with you again soon.
Update – January 30, 2019
I now have received the following message from P. Capararo:
Dream realization. It happened and it was fantastic. P. Capararo
